i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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