I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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