I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
