My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
