I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
