My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I need to stop coming to work sober
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
