they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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