And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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