if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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