I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
