There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
