i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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