Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
