I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
