my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
