I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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