she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
