tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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