I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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