Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
