he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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