Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
