yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
