I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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