***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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