Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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