eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
