So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
