I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Mom said you looked used
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
