your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
