Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
