my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
