I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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