if only i could text you this smell
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
