They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
