I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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