I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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