I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
