The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
