I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
