If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
