theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize