i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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