At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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