i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
soo... how was my night?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
