Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
