I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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