Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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