dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
