Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
